Let’s Be Honest: Mealtime SUCKS When You Have Picky Eaters

It’s one of the many fallacies of motherhood…that mealtimes are supposed to be this fantastically peaceful time for the whole family to come together and talk about the day, all while relaxing and enjoying every moment of each others’ company. Let’s not get it twisted. When you have a table full of little kids, the reality is a little different. Okay, a lot different. Mealtimes at our house can be a battle. There is always at least one of my children who digs their heels in and refuses to eat what I made. Somebody inevitably ends up fake gagging, or blubbering about every detail that they hate about my meal. It can be so infuriating! It happened at breakfast AND dinner today! Clearly, it’s time to address my ungrateful little bastards sweet but picky little dears directly. Humor me, won’t you?

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Hey Kids…It’s me, your amazing Mom: 

First first things first. Have we not learned by now that Mom is not a morning person? (And that’s putting it mildly.) Maybe breakfast isn’t the best time to challenge her patience by being a picky little shit. ESPECIALLY before she’s had her coffee!!! You have to know better by now. I cannot understand how scrambled eggs could possibly put a 7 year old over the edge. And do you really think 4 minuscule specks of pepper in your eggs is going to ruin your entire life? Let me share a little story with you. When I was little I wasn’t very nice to my mom when she made me breakfast before school. So one day when I was in 6th grade she taught me how to make an egg in the microwave, and vowed to never get up with me in the morning again. True story. See how bad you don’t have it? 
Let’s try and put this all into some serious perspective, shall we? The things I’m putting on the table are not nasty, vile, exotic, disgusting foods. I’m not asking too much of your taste buds. I very rarely ask you to eat something completely unreasonable. This evening’s battle over the meatballs in my spaghetti was especially perplexing. Spaghetti and Meatballs! What 10 year old kid doesn’t love spaghetti and meatballs? They are not gag inducing or vomit provoking. They’re a kid friendly household staple.

You want to talk about gagging? In some countries Moms serve meals like THIS: 

                             
                              
                               

See how bad you don’t have it? 

Just try and see the bigger picture with me, yeah? I’m thinking about your future well-being here. What’s going to happen when you go to your mother-in-law’s house and she makes something you hate? What are you going to do then, fold your arms and spout off, “I’m not EATING this. Hmph!” like a total brat? Are you going to dramatically fake vomit at a friend’s house if their mom makes something other than pizza or chicken nuggets? I will NOT let that happen. It’s my job to teach you about these little things called manners. And goddamn it…I will succeed if it’s the last thing I do.

Lastly, I want you to know that I get it. I’m not the best cook in the world. I’m not even the best cook in this room (and I’m sitting here alone!) Want the real truth? Cooking for you is time consuming, painstaking, tedious, monotonous work. It’s not my idea of a party. But I do it for you anyway. Why? Because I love you. (And because I’d get turned in to Child Protective Services if I didn’t do it.) You don’t have to love what I make, but you do have to be respectful. So if you can’t say something nice, then zip it. If I don’t start feeling the love from you, there are going to be serious consequences. I might even be forced to go there…you know what’s coming…I might have to tell you to Make Your Own Damn Dinner! Don’t make me do it.

Love you ever so much,
Mom

     
                                            

Comments

  1. I am so tired of mealtime battles! Breakfast is usually fine because they only ever eat cereal, but my youngest refuses dinner almost every single night!! He declares everything that is not white rice with butter to be “discustin’!” That is not the way I want to end my day. Every.single.day!

  2. Okay, I believe you’ve solved your own issue here. Make one of items pictured above one time and act completely normal. Throw a few pine nuts on top and indulge. You may have some vomit left behind and some hungry bellies that night, but never again will anything you make pale in comparison to the horrific pine nut crusted roast rat you made them eat that one time. You could even use it as a threat…”Don’t make me roast up that rat again, Jack!” Bam! Meatballs in the belly without a word. I’m serious about this. Ryan has a gopher and a squirrel trap (that works for most rodents), let me know if you’d like to borrow either of them. You could even wear the pelt on your head while dining that night (Just like Velda Plender). Think about it. At least print the pictures and recipes as an initial threat. “Look what we’re having for dinner tonight! It’s going to be great….Shoot! I ran out of pine nuts for the crunchy skin, guess it’s spaghetti and meatballs instead.” They’ll celebrate! Try and let me know if it will work for me. Good luck.

  3. Haha! Ridiculous….and true! When I was little my mom would make cow’s tongue for dinner….no joke. After that, any meal that was NOT cow’s tongue, was amazing! ๐Ÿ™‚

  4. That is some trippy meals – I wouldn’t touch em’ and I’m considered an adult by some standards. My son is a picky eater and it gets on my nerves – he lives off bread and nutella. Thankfully he takes his vitamins twice a day. He’ll eat but it’s a lot of negotiation. Hoping this improves with age.. Have a great one Marie! -Iva

  5. Love it!! My oldest is a vegetarian who doesn’t eat vegetables, my middle is the least picky but still complains about certain things, and the youngest is the worst!!! I am so tired of food fights!

    • A vegetarian who doesn’t eat vegetables? Well, that certainly narrows it down for you. Food fights can be infuriating! At least we’re in it together, Lisa. Right? ๐Ÿ™‚

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