Dear Tampons…

 

 

tampons

Fair Warning: This post contains talk about lady things. Specifically periods, tampons, and PMS. So if you’re my dad, or any other male who has difficulty with the  female reality, it might be best to sit this one out. If you are like me and have no shame talking about all things vaginal, well…high five, and keep reading.

I’ve had my period since I was 12 years old. Go ahead, do the math. That’s 25 years! In all of my 25 years of “womanhood” I never once stopped to really examine my tampons. But all that changed a few months back. One innocent little glance down at my tampon wrapper revealed a shocking discovery.  Turns out, all this time…MY TAMPONS HAVE BEEN BOSSING ME AROUND! No seriously! Don’t believe me? See for yourself:

photo1

Did my tampon seriously just tell me to try something new? Who does she think she is…my mom? You know what “something new” I’d really like to try? A hysterectomy. That’s what.


photo6 Okay, um…thanks? I’m doubled over with cramps and back pain, bleeding profusely, and hardly able to function because my brain is in a  complete fog. I’ll focus on whatever I damn well please.



photo5

Wow, now this one is deep. Too bad I spend most of my period regretting the way I just snapped at my husband, and blew up at my kids, or started sobbing for no apparent reason. It’s hard not to regret being the crabbiest bitch on the face of the planet for a week out of each month.



photo4
Yeah, thanks. I can’t wait to get out there and show them that I have swollen, painful, ENORMOUS period boobs. I’m also proud to show off my extra 5 pounds of water retention weight, and adult acne. You’re absolutely right, tampon. I’m so proud to “show em’ what I got” this week!


photo2 Really? Do I look like a photographer to you? Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you.


photo7

Keep going? That’s fantastic advice. As in, keep going to the bathroom every 20 minutes because you’re sure you’re already leaking through? Keep going to bed with a heating pad on your uterus? Keep going to the store because you ran out of Midol? Ugh. I’ll be sure to do that.


And last but not least, I did find ONE motivational message that wasn’t a command…but a compliment.

photo3

I mean, I can’t deny…it’s true. Thanks for acknowledging my moves, tampon.


So there you have it. I don’t know who’s in charge of the “motivational quote” department at the tampon factory. But whoever it is (and I’m guess it’s a man) deserves a serious raise.

Because my period just got a whole lot better. Thanks, tampons! 

Comments

  1. Cindy Ave'Lallemant says:

    So funny. Wish they would hire me to write some new messages.

    • I feel you would be sarcastically and inappropriately perfect for that job. Who can we be in touch with to make it happen.

    • …says the woman who brought rusty tongs in her “medical bag” just in case Marie went into labor while on our trip to Chicago! I can only imagine!

  2. Btw, very funny Marie!

  3. There is nothing inspirational about having your period. Nothing. And telling me to “have a happy period” after five straight nights of restless leg syndrome brought on by the damn cramps is not a good idea.
    Vanessa D. recently posted…Everyday RemarkableMy Profile

  4. I’ve never thought to read my tampons! Who’s in the mood for that kind of crap when they are using them? Argh!
    Rabia @TheLiebers recently posted…#TuesdayTen: Favorite CartoonsMy Profile

  5. This is hilarious, I have never noticed this before since I usually have to use them in super fast-forward before nosy kids can ask “what’s that, and where are you putting it?” From now on, I’ll take my time and soak in the inspiration of the day (or of the 4-6 hours).
    The Dusty Parachute recently posted…My Pumpkin Text FailMy Profile

  6. These are even worse than the crap that comes in fortune cookies now.
    Scott recently posted…I’m Sorry eBooks, Do You Forgive Me?My Profile

  7. HILARIOUS!!! I’m sitting at work giggling loudly while my coworkers give me dirty looks..lol. Thanks for that!
    Christina recently posted…MiserablenessMy Profile

  8. Hilarious! I’m obviously buying the wrong kind of tampons! Although I do prefer the inspirational quotes on the chocolates I wolf down during that time of month.
    Ginny Marie recently posted…Your Spin Cycle Prompt {week of 10/27}My Profile

  9. That crap is so ridiculous! Who thinks that writing quotes like this on tampons is a good idea? Haha!
    Jackie recently posted…Cleo Cup Menstrual Cup ReviewMy Profile

Trackbacks

  1. […] guest? It’s the awesome blogger behind the hilarious blog Make Your Own Damn Dinner. When I first saw her submission, it was the title “Dear Tampons” that caught my eye. […]

  2. […] This post was originally featured on Marie’s blog, Make Your Own Damn Dinner. […]

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